brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
your room smells of hookers.
And success
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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