I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
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I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
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I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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