hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
