I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
