she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
