Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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