I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
