Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
