I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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