hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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