I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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