pedialite and red bull = repair kit
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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