Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
