I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
