i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
