why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
