I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
