Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
