goodnight i made you a song goodbye
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
