I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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