ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
