New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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