I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
third nipple confirmed
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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