The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
