you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
