his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She's the barista slut.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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