no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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