somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
