Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
