As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
