Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
