Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
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It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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