he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
