on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
