my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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