i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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