I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
