Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
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my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
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The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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