just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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