i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
