Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
They have beer where we have blood.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
