Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
