In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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