here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
