You just made me feel so damn special
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm passing your future prison.
it's like iHOP with fire
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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