dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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