Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
