Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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