even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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