I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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