My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
