mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
