My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
