Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
did you just send me my own nude
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I have post one night stand depression
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
