Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
