It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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