I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
