god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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