just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
