I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
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I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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