Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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