"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
