Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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